Friday, September 20, 2013

Google Salad — Revisited

It’s that time again, when I flaunt the list of keyword searches that has brought people to this here little website.

Yes, I keep a list.

Yes, I get giddy whenever there’s a new entry.

Yes, I giggle inanely at the screen, as if my laptop and I are sharing in our own private joke.

And yes, Mr Lannis is used to this. He stopped asking for explanations a long time ago, instead deciding he just doesn’t “get” it.

What’s to get? My blog receives hits for spastic keywords.

It’s awesome.

So I’m sharing because, well, then more of us can giggle inanely and have our spouses (or pets, as the case may be) scratch their heads in bafflement. And maybe we’ll help people find the answers they’re looking for!

(She says, pretending to be altruistic and not intending to mock innocent folks with possibly defunct Google-fu.)

Ready? Okay.

Chez Lannis

You, my friend, clearly were looking for this place specifically. Welcome! I hope the housekeeping hasn’t disappointed.

dont let anyone with bad eyebrows tell you shit quote

(Yes, I finally figured out how to decipher everything that was in the search field.) Is that a quote? Are you searching for a quote or just quoting yourself? Are you one of those people who uses air quotes extensively? (Because that’s obnoxious.) Are you accusing me of having bad eyebrows? I’ll own up to them being partially drawn in, but I’ve had compliments. And not bass-ackwards ones, either. I’m pretty sure “hey, nice arches,” means “hey, nice arches” when coming from an esthetician. So if I qualify as having good eyebrows, well, let me tell you some shit, bro—you need an apostrophe on that “dont.” Just sayin’.

kijiji lego agents

Do these exist? Because I kind of feel like I would know about them if they did, which means I feel like I’m out of the loop. (This is like grade nine all over again.)

redoing laundry room

ME TOO! Or, well, I did...

say yes chez lannis

Yes, please say yes to Chez Lannis! Come for the nonsense, stay for the dip. (Um, but bring your own chips.)

kijiji troll
“kijiji trolls”
trolls on kijiji
kijiji ad troll

I get a sense these folks would all get along. Party’s in the corner, guys. (Hope they brought chips.)

mango sprout
how to sprout mango seeds
how to grow a mango with a toothpick

Well, dude, it takes a bit more than just a toothpick...

do corn plants bloom

YES! Yes, they do. Watch out though, because they’re assholes about it.

accidentally sprayed house plants with vinegar water mix

Oh. I’m so sorry for your loss.

how much does it cost to euthanize a hamsters

Too much. Also sorry for your loss, as well. Or, um, losses as you’ve got hamsters. (Maybe it’s cheaper in bulk?)

What I like to call The Book Club Corner:

brandon sanderson
book review n.k. jemisin the hundred thousand kingdom
bird by bird anne lamott conclusion
cara mckenna pdf
curio by cara mckenna pdf download
mira grant deadline book
“name of the wind”
max brooks world war z summary
ny times review world war z oral history novel

(Dude, sorry to disappoint.)

jacqueline carey how much sex is in her books

Enough that if you need to ask, then it’s probably too much for you to handle.

Combinations that confuse:

chez weapons shop

I'm not kidding:

(Mental note: get The Mrs to add weapons to the shop.)

mira grant kijiji


surgical plastic teardrop shape behind eardrum


lannis sex tube

What the fuck?! Dude! Not that kind of website!

And I think my very favourite so far...

the lannis

Yes, that’s me. I’m The Lannis. Heh. (A touch ostentatious?)


  1. Gah! I am so doing something wrong. I only get boring search terms.

  2. Hamsters in bulk.....

    I'm crying. This is the best thing ever. Google Salad NEVER DISAPPOINTS!!

  3. Never stop doing this. Never! Also, now I am incredibly curious... I want to know what a lannis sex tube is! And yet, so afraid to find out...

  4. I know, right? I've almost got enough for another post... Google Salad: The Boob Edition... muahahaha!

  5. Yeah... some keywords come in and I'm all, "buh?!" because I DEFINITELY don't know... haha!

  6. I think this just means your blog isn't centered around nonsense, Jane... ;)

  7. Bahahaha! I want to know how many people have found your blog by searching for zombie tits.

  8. Seems to me it's at least two... though Blogger dumps some from the list as time goes on (hence I'm keeping track separately, muahahahaha!).

  9. That's full of so much awesome. :D