The Money Tree

Mine isn't growing well either...

One of two things...

Of this I am certain: this guy is either missing a key word or is into human trafficking...

Just sayin'...

You're kidding... right?

Kijiji find. I don't even know how to properly introduce this...

Ad text reads as follows:

Date listed: 11-Jun-14
Address: Canada, La Porte, TX 77571, USA

I'm looking for help organizing my business & myself. I've doing a lot of things I would like Meet and show you everything, for you to help out. I personally can't pay you but I'm pretty sure the government will cuz [sic] I am disabled and can get soooo [sic] much from the government.

::sigh::

Do I want this to be a joke? I don't even know at this point...

Beauty Shots of Chairs

Yes, this is actually a blog post celebrating my chairs.

Oh, pffft, don't act like you believe that title is the weirdest concept you've ever read on this blog. (Two words: Zombie Tits. You're welcome.)

 

'Round about a year ago I found myself browsing Kijiji and signed myself up for a refinishing project of an extent that my wee pea brain could not fathom. Looking back it was the $50 price tag for a ten piece solid wood dining set that rattled the sense out of my head, as I clearly had no concept of what I was getting into*...

Slowly, ever so slowly, this dining set—the chairs in particular—has undergone a magical transformation. Sections of wood have become darker with age, creating a patchwork effect of reds and browns to accompany the original tiger stripes I loved so much.

I've tried my best to capture the effects on camera, but the true vibrancy of the wood is lost through a lens.

Thanks to a $50 initial investment, another $375 in supplies, and two and a half months of elbow grease, I've been left with a unique dining set I couldn't love more.

No regrets.

(Okay, there're probably a few, as any refinishing project is an adventure in itself, but they've disappeared—blame the fumes of chemical stripper and polyurethane.)

So yes: beauty shots of chairs.



*For the record: no, I haven't refinished the quarter sized hole in the table's polyurethane coat. The kids haven't picked at it, either (shocker, yes?). The table's stain has lightened--a lovely green swathe down the middle--but there's nothing about this table I'm not willing to live with for the next five or six years, when we're planning our big kitchen reno, invest in a new dining set, and this one will be relegated to the basement. Or I could bite the bullet and refinish the tabletop... (nah...)

Adventures in Kijiji: Man Chair

Yeeaup...

Adventures in Kijiji: Free Snow

It's highly doubtful it's all still there as advertised, but I'm still giving the guy props...

Cats For Sale

If you've been hanging around here long enough, you'll know I have a love-hate relationship with Kijiji.

This ad is one of the more positive reasons I keep browsing on the classified site, and couldn't help but snag a screenshot. I hope these two have found a loving home, hopefully with someone who shares the ad poster's sense of humour...

Just Add Pearls

If there’s one thing that Kijiji’s good for, it’s getting rid of excess clutter.

But sometimes—like, say, when your husband goes hunting and you go on a purging spree of the entire house—you come to a crossroads where you’re parting with an item that is near and dear to your heart, but other than that sentimental value you’re really not going to miss this particular item, but you will certainly value the space it frees in your closet...

For example, say, the first corset you ever made (and used for this tutorial).

Yep. It took a few years of rationalization, but we’ve finally parted ways.

Seeing how I have two other corsets (both winners of JordanCon costuming awards!) and have plans on making another—albeit corset-less—costume for the upcoming year’s competition, well, I finally had to reconcile myself to the fact that I’m never going to wear that first corset again.

Ever.

And frankly, with two (soon to be three) other elaborate costumes in my closet, why am I holding on to something that won’t get any use?

Sure, I could loan it out, but with those three others that I’m far prouder of, I’d really rather potential borrowers wear them instead of that first humble effort...

So I sold her on Kijiji.

Yep. The first shirt I’d bought, the blue crushed velvet skirt, and that handmade corset were lumped together as one lot for $30, and away she went to a woman who sent her delightful hubby came to get it.

He arrived saying he was sent to pick up a dress, and his eyes widened when he saw it was in fact a costume.

Yes, dude, your wife just bought herself a bona-fide-lace-'em-up-corset. (Enjoy... heh.)

And I’m glad someone will wear it. Truly.

But it’s still sad to see it go...

Dear Judy: Thanks, but no thanks.

Today’s blog post is brought to you by solicitors (one of my favourite things—not), and my love-hate affair with Kijiji.

Once upon a time I wrote a rant about soliciting. I also have multiple rants about Kijiji—which, at turns can be both excellent and vexing... all depends on the day, really.

Today it’s the latter... with a dose of soliciting. And because I make it a habit not to interact with trolls, I’ve decided to expel my frustration here—because what good is having your own blog if you can’t vent, am I right? I mean, it is my corner of the Internet, I’ll do as I please, thankyouverymuch.

Granted, this lady isn’t exactly a troll, but she’s pretty damn close to the line in my estimation. Imagine my displeasure as I sat down to read my email and eat my lunch, to discover someone had replied to my ad for after school care with an Avon proposition...

Truth.

I'm still unsure how an after school care ad screams, "I want to work for Avon!"
Also? It's two words. After. School.

The flood of rage, guys. Flood. Of. Rage.

And for multiple reasons...

First, Avon as a company irks me due to its solicitous nature—if I wanted your product, I’d be coming to you, not being bombarded by magazines on my doorstep. I’m a big fan of personal space, and when I’m at home, that personal space is my entire property.

Yes, I’m an antisocial bitch. I’ll own it.

If a catalogue were to show up in my mailbox, well, that’s one thing. Don’t drop one on my doorstep—I consider that littering.

Second, that Judy here might feel the need to solicit me via Kijiji is insulting—clearly I am advertising my own business, why do I need to become an accessory to hers?

That she’s judging that since I work from home I must have free time to hawk Avon wares is offensive, and doubly so since she’s a fellow woman—is she not aware of the multitude of tasks undertaken daily by a stay-at-home-mom? Why the hell does she think I’d have time for that, especially since I clearly take in extra kids?

My “free” hours are the ones where the kids are in school. This means my mornings and evenings are chock full of kids.

WHO WANTS TO HOLD AN AVON PARTY AT NOON ON A WEDNESDAY?!

Not to mention the fact that those “free” hours are bombarded with everything that running a household entails—an exhausting list I won’t bother itemizing here.

I mean, I suppose I should be flattered that she considers me supermom and able to handle the extra workload without a sweat, but... well... let’s just say I’m not feeling flattered so much as violated.

Yes, violated.

Because if I was interested in becoming a sales partner (or whatever Avon’s particular terminology might be) then I’d probably reply to whatever Kijiji ad Judy has undoubtedly posted soliciting potential Avon candidates.

Guess what... I didn’t.

Because I'm not interested.

And now, as I sit here dropping salad down my sweater (I’m not a pretty eater, sorry), I’m subjected to indigestion thanks to Judy’s ambushing proposition, because SOLICITORS MAKE MY BLOOD BOIL.

GAH!

Truth be told, I pity Judy. She’s mentioned that I have potential customers coming to me, when clearly she’s had to resort to emailing random child care ads on Kijiji because she herself is struggling to find people interested in her product, or possibly she doesn’t understand her own business strategy enough to make decent sales...

You see, Judy doesn’t seem to understand that my clients come to me for child care (read: not Avon products). I’ve maintained an ad for more child care clients because legally I have space available for that service—I’m not desperate to fill those spots, but someone in our area might be desperate to find a child care solution, so my offer is out there. Perhaps I can help them, as this is the service I offer.

Judy, though, has made the mistaken assumption that these clients would also want Avon products, when up until this point there’s nothing to indicate that that may or may not be the case.

Personally, I operate under the assumption that if you’re coming to me for child care services (as advertised), you’re probably only interested in child care services—and not, you know, being guilted into taking the Avon magazine being shoved into your hand.

Either way, if my clients wanted Avon products, they’re welcome to find it somewhere else.

I also find it insulting on behalf of my clients and, well, basically anyone potentially interested in purchasing Avon products, that Judy here is operating under the assumption that (A), my clients are all women, and that (B) only women might be interested in Avon products.

Judy, girl! I’m beginning to see why you’ve had to resort to almost-blind soliciting of Kijiji posters!

Hell, if I really wanted to pick apart Judy’s assumptions I could point out that she’s assumed (rightly, yes, but still assumed) that I’m female. How does she know that I’m not a stay-at-home dad who’s providing child care services? There’s nothing in my ad to indicate either way...

Hm. I can see Judy and I wouldn’t get along very well. It’s probably a good thing I don’t take her up on her offer...

I’m not big on blanket generalizations—I mean, I can step wrong as quickly as the next person, but by and large I prefer to err on the side of not pigeonholing my clientele, or, well, anyone else for that matter...

Thanks, but no thanks, Judy. I’m most definitely not interested.

And all that’s without ranting about Avon’s perfumey mess of signature products, or pointing out that perhaps Judy become acquainted with a period, you know, since she's resorting to cold contacting people via written correspondence... oy.

::facepalm::

Couch Surfing: not what you first think.

This is why I love Kijiji... sometimes it's really good for a laugh... or a free couch...

(Click to embiggen.)

Kijiji Etiquette

[Note: This post was originally published on The Mrs on January 28th, 2012. And in the three years since we've moved, we've made $937 from selling gently used items on Kijiji. We've also bought everything from clothes to gym equipment to furniture, too. Uh, and after five years of owning it, we sold the playhouse for $50 more than our purchase price... heh.]

I love Kijiji.

Seriously. It’s great. In the year and a half since we’ve moved, we’ve made $323 from selling items the kids have outgrown.

Yes, I keep track.

And I’ve purchased things from Kijiji, too. Seems to me we discovered the online classifieds site about four years ago, and since then it’s been my go-to for specific items.

Our play house is our biggest score. Literally and figuratively. It’s large and awesome. I’ve had three adults in there with a child, and sure, we were squished, but there was still enough elbow room for us all to be served tea.

New, it was listed on the manufacturer’s website for... a lot. With shipping and taxes. On Kijiji we found the same model for... about $500 less. With a custom wooden deck built for the floor, too.

And four years later? Our boys are still playing in it.

And Mr Lannis got a fancy-schmancy punching bag for kickboxing, gently-used, for $35. That’s about $150 less than what it was selling for at Walmart.

So I have plenty of good things to say about Kijiji.

Of course, the pitfall with Kijiji is aimlessly scrolling ads for things you don’t really need and talking yourself into needing them... but that’s why I try to keep my Kijiji interaction to specific items I would otherwise be purchasing new, or posting ads to get rid of useless junk extraneous stuff.

But as with life in general, you must sift through the mud to find the gold.

And dear Lord, I have encountered some random behaviour via Kijiji. Like, “where did these people come from and who gave them Internet access?!” kind of inanity.

Tuesday I received a response from one of my ads, where the potential buyer stated her husband would come by to look at the item for $20, either Wednesday or Thursday.

Erm. Well, that’s tricky, since you haven’t asked if I’m available those days (and at this point of the transaction, she didn’t have my address), but moreover because the item was listed for $35.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for haggling on a price, but telling me you’re buying it for $20 is not how you open good bargaining... something more polite would have been nice... a “would you consider taking $20?” would have received a “sure thing!” from me.

But the way this person worded the email made my hackles rise. Yep. I’m not (entirely) a bitch, but I am stubborn. You push, I push back. My response? “Sorry, it’s $35 firm.”

Well, she might as well figure out if she wants it $35 worth before roping her poor husband into coming to my house...

So yeah. I have a few etiquette beefs with Kijiji.

Please read the ad.

Is this a lot to ask? I’m pretty descriptive in my ads, and I always post pictures. I hate when I show up at someone’s house to discover what they posted as mint condition has scrapes or stains. (Ugh.) If it’s not perfect, take a photo of the imperfection and damn well say what’s what. Nobody’s going to diss you for honesty — actually, you’re probably more likely to make a sale.

In the same vein, please don’t ask me if there are smokers in my house because my ads always read, “smoke free, pet-friendly home.” And it says “pick up only.” So guess what? That means pick up only!

I’ve had one incident of meeting a buyer somewhere, and surprise, surprise — they were a no show! I blame my own Kijiji naïveté at the time, but now? Yeah, if you want what I have, you can come to my house and get it, thanks.

That said, if we’re arranged a pick up time? Please be on time. No, if something’s fallen through, just let me know, I’m cool with that. But I’m not cool with sitting around my house because someone said they were coming at noon and they don’t show up until 3pm.

Not cool, Kijiji-peeps. Not cool.

Another thing that gets me? People who respond to ads with their phone numbers. It kind of looks like this: “I’m interested in [whatever-this-is], please call me at XXX-XXX-XXXX.”

Um. Kijiji is set up as a go-between via email. Lord knows I’m a phone-talker under the right circumstances, but I’m not picking up the phone to call a complete stranger to sell something to them.

I don’t like telemarketers, remember? I’m not becoming one because you’re adverse to email. You managed to make it onto the ‘Net to find the ad, you can complete the transaction that way, too.

And guess what? Kijiji is not Twitter.

There’s nothing I hate more than the slapdash reply to an ad, “is this available.....???????”

Hey cowboy, is the ad posted? Then likely it is!

When I see this in my inbox, I want to reply, “yes” and nothing else. But I also realize that if I do, I’m likely to lose a sale, too.

I understand that not everyone studiously deletes ads when they’re no longer current, but you’re likely to look less like an idiot if you tweak your ice-breaking approach with, well, grammar, for one. Full sentences would be a bonus. Is it really that difficult to say, “If this is still available, I was wondering if I could arrange a time to see it?”

And newsflash: Kijiji is not Twitter! Why people scrabble and hold every character hostage is beyond me... using an extra few to say, “hi,” or “thanks,” won’t bloody well kill you!

If responding to an ad, you’re likely to garner a more positive response if you deign to use courtesy. Trust.

Also? Kijiji is not Facebook!

I know, shocker, right? If I post an ad, and you reply, and we get into a discourse about meeting times or price, that’s fine. But I don’t need to know that your husband’s having intestinal problems and has been in the hospital for two days and could I please hold the item for another day until your mother-in-law is back in the country and can come and pick it up...

Seriously. No offense, but I am not your friend. I don’t need to know the petty details of your day to day life. I understand shit happens. A polite, concise email requesting me to hold an item for another couple of days, or saying things fell through and you need to reschedule is fine.

I had a woman once beg me via email to deliver an item to her, because their van broke down, and she had four kids, and could I please-please-please deliver the item to them, she’d pay extra for gas money. It was also implied that I had no heart if I denied her...

This was all over a $5 item.

Not to mention my kid puked the day before and I wasn’t leaving the house to go anywhere any time soon, especially since I’d kept two boys home from school due to said pukage.

Of course I did what any self-respecting defensive mother would do. I replied with a polite email stating child-sickness and sympathy for their vehicle problems, but no, no I wouldn’t be delivering the item. The ad clearly states “pick up only.” It is not an unreasonable expectation!

So... your turn — share, please! Do you have any pet peeves for Kijiji behaviour? Any horror stories to tell? I want NEED to know!

Kijiji: Single Dad Seeking...

Perusing Kijiji and I saw this. Too good to not share... sure it's missing a few spaces between commas and words, and has questionable capitalization that (probably) has nothing to do with comic intention.

I'm unsure what I like more... that it's almost worded like a M4W classified ad, or the fact that the poster posed the Dad's arms in the air, like he's given up on finding his missing family members, or even contemplating why they (along with that errant furniture) chose to abandon him and the single baby girl...

Kijiji Trolls

Yep, you got it. It's another screenshot of stupidity thanks to Kijiji.

I love playing with trolls.

Okay, not really, because anyone who's been on Internet forums for more than three minutes knows the cardinal rule: do not feed the trolls.

In layman's terms this means do not interact with them.

Because then they win. Naturally.

When trolls fish, they throw out ridiculously obvious bait, and generally one of two things happen; they mock the polite responder into carrying on a conversation, or they bait them into a flame war.

All they want is a response. Whether it be someone kindly attempting to correct their contrived and ridiculous misconceptions, or someone reaming them out and burning them to the ground for baiting in a public forum, all a troll wants is the chance to giggle at a stranger's reaction safely from the other side of their screen.

And we can't have either of these things happening, because that would mean anonymous douchebags everywhere are eroding civility out of our society. Any direct response is highly entertaining to the troll, because the Internet troll has no sense of respect for others.

See? Not good.

Hence the rule: do not feed the trolls.

So what do you do, when faced with a troll? Well, my personal favourite is what I'm about to do here. And that's take a screenshot in order to mock said troll in another forum where s/he doesn't know about it.

Oh! Lookie! I have my own blog! That's a great place to roast an idiot...

(If you don't have a blog I highly suggest posting a screenshot to Facebook, or Instagram—whatever your poison—and allowing your friends to have a go... mocking trolls—it's fun!)

So. Let's see what we have here. It's from Bob.

Click to embiggen.

Bob, here, is responding to an ad giving away old Terry Goodkind books (because, let's face it, that's all you can do with them—ooh, little burn for the Goodkind fans... heh) by asking if I have any Sex for Dummies books.

Um, no.

And Bob would know this, if he took the time to click to see the poster's other ads (the poster being me), because while I do have other books for sale (so it would have been logical to check the other titles), I hate to break it to you, Bob, that no, tragically none of those are Sex for Dummies.

If Bob had clicked through to see my other ads, he'd also know it was unlikely I had Sex for Dummies because clearly I have no need of such a book, as I already know how to have sex, since I'm selling some items my kids have outgrown.

Common things being common, I'm not posting ads on behalf of my neighbours, I'm posting ads because these unwanted items belong to me (and my children), so if I'm selling used size 11 children's rain boots it's likely I have a child and have had sex at some point in my life.

Here's a secret, but don't tell Bob: I've had sex more than once! (gasp!)

I also know different sexual positions, too. (double gasp!)

And never once did I need to check Sex for Dummies, either. Not that there's anything wrong with a little research...

And it seems to me there's only one Sex for Dummies book—if it even exists. I mean, there could be more, but seeing how the series generally covers one topic at a time, it's probably only one book not books like Bob, here, is searching for.

But like I said, I kinda didn't need the Sex for Dummies book(s) when the time came, so I don't really have a frame of reference for that.

But I know where to find the answer...  /singsong

Oh, Book Depository says there are two! Look at that! A regular edition and a miniature edition (pocket edition? Though if you're wearing pockets while having sex there's a high likelihood you're doing it wrong—though not always, heh.)

Hm. Took me all of three seconds to find that out, too, via Book Depository's search engine. Poor Bob here is still waiting for me to get back to him and it's been days.

That said, perhaps our misguided Bob is looking for Sex for Dummies (in all the wrong places, might I add) because he's never had sex before.

Poor chap.

Well, if his hobbies included, I don't know, maybe getting out of the house instead of trolling Kijiji book ad posters, maybe he'd actually have the opportunity to meet a nice person and have some sex of his own... (bizarre logic, am I right?)

Though I don't know if "trolling on the Internet" is considered an acclaimed attribute on anyone's list of desirable traits in a prospective partner. Maybe that's Bob's problem—he starts discussing his Internet trolling conquests and turns prospective sexual partners off, and he hasn't had the chance as yet to seal the deal, hence he's not too certain about the mechanics of sex and is left with searching for answers in Sex for Dummies...

It's a theory, anyway.

Let's look at that screenshot again, okay?

Oh, I see part of Bob's problem... If he's googling "how to have sex for dummies" maybe he's not getting helpful results!

Rookie mistake, you see—clogging up a search field with superfluous words. Google's fickle that way.

But wait—it would seem using Bob's terms does garner the Sex for Dummies text in the first page of results. See? First page, fourth item:

Hm... it would seem Google has accounted for Bob's poor Google-fu, which means Bob clearly didn't bother...

Poor Bob.

That lack of effort is probably why he hasn't found someone interested in having sex with him—you kind of have to stretch out of your comfort zone, and if he's not willing to even risk Googling the book title (or what he thinks is the book title), well, he's not going to reap the rewards he's looking for, is he? Tsk, tsk.

Back to that original screen shot, though. What else can we learn about Bob?

Well, as illustrated by my need to redact Bob's email, I can assume that Bob doesn't understand the basics of Kijiji—that it acts as an agent between buyers and sellers, but connects them via email... which means I now have his email address.

Though it is a Hotmail account, so there's a decent chance Bob has created a shenanigans account (and has poor taste in freebie email providers).

And I must say, it was extremely tempting to not redact his address. Wouldn't it be fun for us to all send him random porn links so he could learn all about what's inside the covers of Sex for Dummies, but via video?

Surprise, Bob! You're about to learn all about a Dirty Sanchez!

(It occurs to me my blog's Google keyword hits are about to get more interesting... heh.)

Oh... oh no.... I have more pity for Bob now, because clearly he can't even google "free porn."

Man, he seriously must live a sad, sad life... even I can google "free porn"... I'm a liberated female, unafraid of my own sexuality... no problem with that—or admitting it (I'm a classy gal after all).

Oh, shit... a thought... we're in all trouble if Internet trolls can't google "free porn" (how many times can I use that phrase? tee hee)... 

Because you know what happens when a particular demographic of the population is too inhibited and can no longer google "free porn"? (And I'm looking at you, sexually-frustrated-and-Twilight-addled ladies—you know who you are!)

It's tragic, horrible, the intellectual equivalent of a machete splitting braincells...

When the ability to google "free porn" breaks down for a certain demographic of the population, we're all subjected to literary garbage like Fifty Shades of Grey...

Horrifying, right?

::shudder::

Thanks, Bob. You're like the first second sign of the apocalypse for publishing...

::headdesk::

Kijiji Courtesy

You know what breaks my brain? Kijiji.

Okay, not always. There are times when I manage to post ads, communicate, and actually buy and sell items on the free classifieds site.

Like it was designed for it or something... go figure.

But every once in a while, I encounter someone who makes my head hurt. And it might be the jaded part of me speaking, but my brain bleeds. I’ve ranted on and on about Kijiji before, on The Mrs blog.

Today’s aneurism-inducing example is this:

I have an ad posted. The response I receive is: “where r u located”

No question mark. No uppercase letters. No salutation, no “hi there, how's your mom? I’m interested in your item...”

Forget sentences—it's lacking COMPLETE WORDS! ::headdesk::

For reals, guys. For REALS.

And I’m not saying you need to take me out for dinner and a movie, but addressing me with civility might garner a more positive response.

How did I respond? With the name of my town, and that’s it. I was hoping this person would realize that being short with someone with whom they’re attempting to foster a transaction is not a stellar idea.

I realized my subtextual message was lost when this person immediately replied with “where in X”.

Um... thanks.

Thanks for reminding me of the primary rule when dealing with idiots: they have no self-awareness, hence it’s nigh impossible to rehabilitate them.

Also? I am not the idiot whisperer.

It begs the question though, do I even want to bother...?

At this point? Truthfully? No. And this particular ad has had enough interest that I’m not worried about the ability to sell the item.

Yes, I’m a bitch.

Actually, it’s more that I have no patience for rudeness, and you only get one chance to make a first impression, yes?

Thankfully, I live in Canada—where I can choose not to do business with this person... I seriously do not want to exercise the option that requires setting eyes on them. I'd rather wend my way through idiot-free paths. Or at the very least, lower my chances of encounters with their kind by not pursuing this further...

But I’m stuck... I can’t stop wondering... DO PARENTS NO LONGER TEACH MANNERS?!

Honestly. My brain... she bleeds.

It Never Fails...

So I posted an ad on Kijiji...



Wooden toddler table and chairs; free to good home. Well-loved (read: marked up), but plenty of play left in them. My boys have outgrown them. Come and get it.

And then this happens:

They haven’t sat at this table in months. Actually, aside from using the various parts of this setup for forts, I doubt anyone’s even thought about using this table and chairs for their proper function in years.

No exaggeration.

But see, I move it upstairs to ready it for pickup, and, well...

Everything’s better with Lego. Truth.