Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Costuming season: It never really ends.

Know what this is?


Look at this glorious haul! LOOK AT IT!

Any ideas? Anyone? Bueller?

This is a pile of thrift store fabric finds. For JordanCon 2015's costume.

Yes.

Yes, I've already decided.

Yes, I've already been out hunting.

Yes, there's a plan.

And yes, I'm obsessed giddy already.

An inventory of what is folded not-so-neatly top to bottom:

- one random piece of material, soft but with a burlap-like appearance
- tri-coloured suede skirt
- one faux suede cream drapery panel (yeah, I'm that dick who bought one and not the other... heh.)
- two matching pieces: a suede button down shirt and knee-length skirt, complete with shoulder pads.
- one king flat sheet

That pile of fabric not only proves I've rescued some woman out there from wearing a puke-brown suede power suit, it also represents a cumulative cost of $34 and the very beginning of the insanity busy work for next year's JordanCon.

It's a hobby that sparks my imagination, and this time around I plan on working farther out of my comfort zone than in the past.

My most proud purchase—aside from the $8 tri-colour suede skirt that I'll be hacking up for repurposing because new suede is fucking expense, yo!—would be the cream-textured king size sheet.

Textured, king sized sheet, and in the exact colour I was searching for, at the first place I looked (Goodwill for the win!).

I can't even conceive of how much breathable, lovely textured cotton in such bulk would cost at the fabric store... actually, for a decently weighed cotton it's a mini heart attack, and it certainly wouldn't exist in such glorious width for whatever purpose I declare.

This is why I hit thrift stores first.

Now everyone can start guessing, because this certainly isn't enough to reveal the surprise, nor will everything be remaining the colours you see...

And if you're already privy to the secret, shhh... keep your traps shut!

(Please.)



Monday, April 28, 2014

Google Salad - The Porn Edition

Yes, an entire post about porn. Or rather the odd porn-related searches that have led folks to Chez Lannis via Google. Thanks to porn.

Granted, it's a short edition of Google Salad, but there was a distinct theme that needed to be addressed. While I realize this basically equates to a self-fulfilling prophecy (what draws the porn-seekers but copious mentions of the word porn, right?), I can't help but write this post (and have high hopes of many to come in the future. ::snort::)

Because porn.

So, without further ado, I give to you Google Salad: The Porn Edition


googlefreeporn

Yo. Spaces. They exist.

googlefreeporn.com

Dude, not how to use Google. Also: Why the hell does THIS site come up?!

All time hits for this site via these similar search terms are 6?! Six times people have found this blog via "googlefreeporn?!" ::headdesk::

freegoogleporn.com

Still not how to use Google (but nice switcheroo).

chez pick up freeporn

Huh?

robert jordan wheel of time spanking

Literary porn? Heh. (Bunker joke.)

tumblr self boobsle

Busted. This actually goes in the WTF folder. (Boobsle. Heh.)

it ve qiz sekiz

Possibly porn. Google tells me this is Albanian, but the online translator says this means, "push and eight qizi." So... possibly porn. Jury's still out.

And what have we learned? Well, apparently everything on the big wide interwebs is considered porn to someone out there (apparently. No invoking of Rule 34 required, heh).

acrylic paintings of sexy corsets butts

Hells YES! Best keyword entry EVER.



Thursday, April 24, 2014

Weird shit said to me this morning by kids...

There are kids here in the morning. This morning it's mine plus three. Occasionally they say odd things--earnest, adorable, yet easily misinterpreted things. Today is one of those days.

Things said to me this morning:

"Leslie, your hair looks nice today. Frizzy like a doll's." [I was going for Muppet hair, but that'll do.]

"Your eyebrows do weird things when you're making sandwiches." [Excellent.]

"Your outfit looks fabulous today." [Same yoga pants and hoodie that is the stay at home mom's uniform.]

"You talk to yourself when you're making the boys' lunches. What are you saying? Or is it not for kids?" [Definitely not for kids. Not even a little bit.]

"I like the way you roll your eyes. The back of them look nice." [Now you know how I snagged Mr Lannis...]

Monday, April 21, 2014

SECRET DIARY OF A CALL GIRL by Anonymous - Book Review

Rating: 3.5/5 - Great if you’re in the mood for it, only okay if you’re not.

Title: Secret Diary of a Call Girl

Author: Anonymous

Format: trade paperback

Published: 2006

Genre: Memoir

Publisher:  Grand Central Publishing

Landed in my hands: purchased myself


Summary (from cover blurb):

From the summer of 2003 to the autumn of 2004, Belle charted her day-to-day adventures in and out of the bedroom in a frank, funny, and award-winning blog. Now in this riveting international bestseller, Belle reveals (among other things) how she, a university-educated woman, became a working girl, what it feels like to have sex for money, and where to buy the best knickers for the job. From chatting about literature with naked clients to smuggling whips into luxury hotels, Belle offers a no-holds-barred account of the high-class sex trade that will open doors to places you’ve never seen before.

Review:

First and foremost: regarding sex (because that’s why everyone’s reading this review, right?). It’s not written as smut. It’s not a blow-by-blow (heh); she’s not recounting every brush of every hand. It’s more a gritty glimpse into what it takes to keep herself polished, traversing technicalities of being managed by a madam, and the cannon fodder that becomes her personal relationships—peppered with the occasional anecdote of clients’ tastes or odd requests (and they’re there—there’s definitely quirks and fetishes that give this book a voyeur flair for interest).

This, my friends, is a highly readable book. There’s an honesty in Belle’s voice that is reminiscent of chatting with a good friend.

In fact, she’s made me feel inadequate when it comes to language. Her vocabulary is quite extensive, and I’m waffling between that being a byproduct of the slight difference in colloquial English used in the UK versus North America, or whether it’s because Belle has a great vocabulary and I’m now slogging through an awareness of the general public’s laziness when it comes to daily communication.

Yes, we’re all remiss. And apparently it took a whore to remind me—but that’s fabulous (seriously—no snark here!), because it subverts the stereotypical ideology when one thinks of call girls.

And that, my friends, is why I picked up the book.

I wanted a peek into the world, and I got one—and it wasn’t what society had told me to expect, and that makes me happy!

Buck the trends! Surprise them!

My problem with this book overall is that I was waiting for one of the general themes to evolve into something that might give resolution or more of an ending. And I got frustrated with some of her musings which seemed to be promises to the reader (Chekhov’s guns all over the place), which were never delivered.

I suppose that’s the problem with publishing a diary—the tension and story arc is either there innately or it’s not. There are changes in the narrative, things happen, but I hesitate to call it plot as much of it simply happens to Belle, and she’s recounting. One area I hoped to see more resolution was her private life, and... well... without risking spoilers, I’ll say there’s some movement of interest, but it never truly evolves. Belle never actually changes—not that all protagonists must, but... yeah.

And this is where I realize I’m used to deliberately plotted novels, because the lack of change in the main character irks me, and this book could have kept meandering and I would’ve stayed for the ride... as in: I barely noticed we’d reached the end because there truly weren’t any signifying traits to indicate it was coming to a close.

Which I suppose is indicative of the format—the day to day dealings of life. A diary keeps on rolling, yes?

In conclusion: if you’re interested, give it a gander—you’ll find it entertaining in an anecdotal and conversational manner. But it’s not some gripping story that’ll stay with you forever (nor was that what I expected when I choose it from the shelf). Hence the rating: if you’re in the mood for it, it’s great.

Thursday, April 17, 2014

JordanCon Recap 2014

Once a year Mr Lannis jumps at the opportunity likes to send me to Atlanta for a little shindig called JordanCon.

Yes, I travel alone—in part because it’s my thing, and while he’s read Robert Jordan’s Wheel of Time series, it never gripped him with the same mania, frenzy, intensity, and let’s be honest now: he’s well aware to whom he’s married, and needs to send me away at least once a year to make my mess elsewhere...

Truth.

(Speaking of Mr Lannis, now that I think on it, he probably wishes this trip was more frequent—the house was immaculate when I returned... he even made me dinner while I spread all my shit around unpacked. And really, his absence is part of the reason I get so silly down in Atlanta—he's my grounder. Without him, my personality can be... er... difficult to contain—either that or perhaps I go squirrelly after our long winter and he sends me away because he can't handle the spastic nightmare... Heh.)

Before we begin, sorry for the photo-heavy post (yes, there I go again, apologizing like the Canadian I am... haha!)

So. JordanCon. I’ve tried to describe it before, and I always come back to the reality that it’s a synonym for family. Yes, really. And I was ever so pleased to hear first-time JordanCon attendees cite the same sentiment.

With attendance climbing to a record breaking 633 this year that makes for a pretty big family. And yes, they’re all delighted to see you.

This year’s con was hosted by the... er... gentlemen(?) of tWoTcast. Their podcast reread of The Wheel of Time is... explicit to say the least—it’s quite crass. There’s a definite reason I listen (heh). I’m not ashamed to admit my inner 14 year old boy practically pissed himself with excitement when it was announced they were the toastmasters.

Jonathan Coulborn and Joe O'Hara; two of the tWoTcast trio and JordanCon 6's toastmasters.


Astonishingly enough, they kept the rating PG (except for their panel which doubled as a live audience podcast recording) and managed to get through their hosting duties with their trademark wit. And booze.

I think we were all surprised (too bad, too... I was hoping to witness a stellar train wreck. Just kidding—you know I love you, boys!).

The author guest of honour was Patrick Rothfuss of Kingkiller Chronicle fame (my review of The Name of the Wind is here), and the artist guest of honour was none other than Larry Elmore, the talent behind Dragonlance covers and much Dragon Magazine art. And of course Brandon Sanderson was there, too.

Authors in the wild: Patrick Rothfuss and Brandon Sanderson.


Naturally I came home with plenty of signed booty. (Booty... heh.)

Volunteering my time in the Art Show meant I had the privilege of meeting many of the artists one on one. And there were many artists in attendance who made my wee head spin—with their imagination, their humility, and their generosity—with both their time and talent (Paige Gardner of CostumeArt, Nicole Nicholson of Dim Horizon Studio, and Mr Edsel Arnold, I’m looking at you three specifically).

So. JordanCon. Of course there’s the adage that “what happens at con stays at con,” but then this wouldn’t be much of a recap, would it?

And really, right now the interwebs are full of con-goers who are bucking the post-con withdrawal, as well as WoT fans who for various reasons couldn’t join us—all of them looking for more tidbits of shenanigans to enjoy. The wonderful thing about con of course being that everyone has a slightly different experience, and therefore no two people have exactly the same stories.

On that note, here’s a list of “shit that went down at JordanCon”... dubbed such because in my Con Brain has locked away any wittiness I may or may not possess. In no particular order:

Shit That Went Down At JordanCon:

- Mat bondage. Lots and lots of delicious Mat bondage, in a charity fundraising game called Ta’veren Ties.


Mat cosplayer James Atkins being tied to his ashandarei by a pair of volunteers... he can't even pretend he's not enjoying himself.

À la Queen Tylin and her cougarish ways, we sold lengths of pink ribbon to con attendees, who could then adorn their preferred Mat with said ribbons, in a competition to have the most by Saturday evening. The winning Mat received a copy of Edsel Arnold’s print of Pink Ribbons

Ta'veren Ties: pink ribbons sold to benefit the Mayo Clinic. Cosplayers Zachary Stevens, James Atkins, and Sophie Decaudin participating.
Yes, it was a shameless excuse for cosplay. For myself (as the Ebou Dari Widow pimping the ribbons), and for the Mats involved, and even Queen Tylin herself.

This makes me happy.

If Queen Tylin had her eye on me I'd look more nervous.



- Giant kraken in the charity auction courtesy of Deana Whitney.  No, seriously:



- Embarrassing the patient Brandon Sanderson with my Ebou Dari Widow’s husband-seeking antics (this is one gracious man to put up with all our ridiculousness). 

- Having Anthony Taylor give me constructive and kind feedback on the first 1k words of my manuscript in the writer’s workshop (hopefully this will kick my sand-bagging butt into gear).

- Cosplay, cosplay, cosplay...

April Moore and John Strangeway chat dressed as Queen Tylin and Perrin Aybara, respectively.



And the costume contest—so much fun to finally see what everyone’s been working on!




- Enjoying Chip Moore’s custom cocktails—specifically a blood orange-based drink called Blood and Ashes—with a room full of ta’veren.



- Placing second in the costume contest with Elaida/Suffa (yes, all that hard work paid off!). And then seeing the reactions of our tWoTcast toastmasters to the surprise Suffa reveal in photos later.
 
One minute Amyrlin, next minute damane. Poof!

Elaida and the infamous box. So much fun to portray someone everyone loves to hate.

- tWoTcast in general... these boys are very special to me, not only because their podcasts kept me company during last year’s beading marathon that was Elmindreda, but also because in gentlemanly fashion they pick up the slack when Mr Lannis is elsewhere (in all honesty, I really need a handler and shouldn’t be let out of the house alone. Nor will I ride another elevator without anxiety—right Tom? Oy).




- Attending the mask making workshop held by wildly creative Paige Gardner (of CostumeArt), and Laura Bielaczyc of Aradani Studios.

Laura Bielaczyc and Paige Gardner heading up a fantastic workshop.



This workshop was a blast and highly informative... these ladies are a ton of fun and are very generous with their knowledge.

- Receiving an impromptu one-on-one photography lesson with the talented Nicole Nicholson of Dim Horizon Studio (and I promise I’ll play with my camera’s settings! Thanks again!).

- Helping to present the Tor.com WoT Rereader's appreciation gift to Robert Jordan's widow, Harriet, and then later being honoured by her playfully acting for a photo op with Elaida.

Elaida scares everyone.


- Very literally being tickled to the ground in front of registration with an audience of who-knows-how-many. Thanks, gentlemen who shall remain nameless oh, hell, it was Perry Minchew and John Strangeway, and both of them are lucky I didn’t kick them in the nads. S’okay though, I got them back... Perry with my ravenous consumption of his gourmet Jello shots (supreme!), and John by pretending to fangirl and whenever he did/said anything that remotely involved me (Steampunk Boba Fett looked at me! ::swoon::). He pretends he doesn’t enjoy it... ::snort::

- Dancing my ass off late into the night Saturday, admittedly well into Sunday morning (heh).

- Using the Ebou Dari Widow as a reason to be flirty, bossy, and loud (as an Ebou Dari woman would be, natch). Cosplay is fun that way... and she really is a sassy girl, if a dangerous one (not me though, no, I’m shy. Truth).


- Meeting new friends, playing with old friends, and cementing all those wonderful chosen-family bonds. And that’s simply a poetic cop out, meaning there’s too many items to list. Because there’s more—there’s always more, and there's never enough photos. We’d all love for JordanCon to last longer, but again: we’d all die of liver failure.

A small portion of the people I miss dearly already.

JordanCon is an event that needs to be experienced before you can understand the warmth, generosity, and inclusivity of this group. It’s not just about The Wheel of Time, it’s about family.

And with that folks, I’m off to brainstorm next year’s costume... because yes, she’s already in the works... muahahaha!

Is it (next) April yet?

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Purging the Cell

Doesn't that title sound twisted? Microscopic cellular puke?

Yeah, sorry to disappoint.

Apparently I have talent for losing digital photos--an odd habit for a self-proclaimed digital packrat... or at least, it is until I explain how I lose these bad boys...

I take them, with complete intention of using them somehow, and then promptly forget I've taken said photos...

99% of my cell phone photos fall under these categories:

1. Forgot my real camera for a classic photo opportunity... ie: field trips, visits with Santa, etc. Yes, I sometimes fail as a mom... actually, since I'm convinced failing is part and parcel of being a mom, I suppose I win there, too. (Justification: she is my super power.)

2. Comparison shopping. Take photos of prospective bargain at one store in order to compare it to similar (if not identical) item at another store, including comparing to online stores' items.

3. As my memory and a facilitator for laziness. If I've encountered something that I know I won't remember the name (and will possibly need said name) in order to relate the story to Mr Lannis or friends, I'll take a photo. I've taken pics of lists and requirements in order to not have to carry/copy paperwork. Also in relation to shopping: great for remembering specific details of bundled items or selection a store has. Definitely good for when Mr Lannis sends me to pick up something I know nothing about (take photo, show him, have him decide if return visit for purchase is necessary). Ultimately anything that will end up disqualifying my faulty memory from responsibility.

4. Ease of sharing. It's far easier to use our home WiFi network to share a quick cell phone shot on Facebook than it is to unplug the actual camera's memory card, upload photos to iPhoto, then in turn to Facebook. I've also been know to send the odd photo in a text message, but thanks to my lack of data plan this will cause my cell phone carrier to yell at me. Every. Time.

5. Random shenanigans... self-explanatory, yes?


So. Basically I'm in the market for a new phone. Nothing fancy. That I've downloaded my current cell's photos to the laptop actually speaks volumes about my commitment to an upgrade.

This post? Yeah. It's a showcase of the complete random that has accumulated. No reason other than how can I not share this gold?!

Yes, I'm lying in a vat of Lego. Dreams do come true. Note: my kid is not surprised.

Santa's elves have safety standards.

That's a giant bear sitting on my kid.


Still makes me laugh.

Yes, that's a plush homemade dill pickle. Watch out, it'll bite you.

This was a Christmas present of pure awesome. Jello brains!


Spotted in my town. I sleep more easily.

And lastly... I couldn't resist:



Monday, April 7, 2014

Adventures in Kijiji: Free Snow

It's highly doubtful it's all still there as advertised, but I'm still giving the guy props...


Thursday, April 3, 2014

Day in the Life

An old tradition at The Mrs blog was to keep track of our day in an effort to quench a voyeuristic thirst remember where the vanished hours go. Every once in a while I revisit the theme. Hence, this post...

April 1 2014


6:20 - alarm. Hit snooze. Turn lamp on low and stare at the ceiling.

6:25 - alarm. Hit snooze. Turn lamp on medium. Stare at ceiling more. Plan day.

6:30 - alarm. Shut off. Get out of bed.

6:30 - 7am - Change. Wash face. Brush hair. Brush teeth. Get dressed. Open bedroom curtains. Pick up dirty laundry in bedroom and master bath. Strip bed—time to put the duvet away and pull out summer quilt (nights are hovering around the freezing mark and we’re sleeping too hot). Bring all laundry downstairs.

7:05 - Feed cat. Because Minette. Turn on laptop.

7:06 - Start kettle for tea. Open Bean (word processor). Start this list.

7:10 - Sort laundry. Toss summer quilt in washer to freshen. Start bleach bucket for white napkin cloths. Decide it’s the opening day for the clothesline (high of 10c/50F, with 60% chance of showers in the afternoon—good a day as any. Worst case scenario I toss it all in the dryer anyway, right?).

7:15ish - Daycare kids get dropped off. Chat with client. Feed fish. Get back to laundry.

7:30 - Empty dishwasher. Prep teapot and pour in hot water. Make kids’ school lunches. Wrap every container, packaged granola bar, utensil, and even the banana in blue painter’s tape. Scrawl “Happy April Fools” in Sharpie on the sandwich container’s tape.

8am - Call four kids for breakfast (their choice: oatmeal in various flavours, cold cereal in various flavours, toast with various jams, waffles with/without syrup, fruit, or any combination of the previous as long as they eat what they take). Referee the insanity (my boys - if you’re going to fight over one particular spot at the table NEITHER ONE OF YOU WILL SIT THERE. There’s seven spots for four kids—plenty of choice—so no arguments!).

8:15 - Open laptop. Arrange playlist for new MP3 player (yes, we’re aware we’re behind the times, shhh, you!), load MP3s. Head to laundry room and flip laundry loads. Pour tea.

8:30 - Sit down and update this list on laptop. Eat my own breakfast—a waffle (I didn’t listen well to the orders, so there was an extra. Usually I have apple cinnamon oatmeal. I dislike waffles. I dislike food waste more).

8:30-8:45 - Check bank account (mortgage out? Check. Deposit arrive? Check.). Send email reminder of upcoming holidays to clients (JordanCon—woohoo!). Head to Lego Shop online to look up the new Mixels as per R’s request (good idea for our prize bucket for his Mathathon work).

8:45 - Realize that if I’m putting stuff on the line, I’d better put stuff on the line... move winter boots to back door and take wet sheets out and hang on line. Realize it’s twisted that I’m wearing winter boots to hang laundry (it’s 2c/36F already! YAY!), and also realize that snow makes for less clearance between line and ground. Hm.


8:55 - Tell kids to tidy up Lego. (Yesterday they began watching Darkwing Duck for the first time. Today they’ve opted for no TV and all Lego time, and they’ve got a spread of bricks to show it, too.)

9am - Haul single extra pair of splash pants out of closet for R (8 y/o), and spring coat for him. L (almost 7 y/o) gets snow pants and spring coat until Auntie J’s package of the splash pants we left at her place on the weekend arrives in the mail (oops).

9:05 - Tell kidlets to pack their lunches in their backpacks and get ready to bug out.

9:07 - Help kidlets get ready (L still hasn’t put lunch in his backpack—got waylaid by snowpants. And chatting). Send everyone who’s ready outside. Put on my own coat and boots, grab purse, water bottle, and gym bag and head out. Load kids into van.

9:13 - Fire up van. Everyone’s buckled, head to school.

9:17 - 9:38 - Unload kidlets, walk them to school yard. Send them off with high fives for a good day. Meet friend (hi, Becky!) with littles, buckle them into boosters and drive Becky and her two to her house. Gab for a few minutes, then head to Mr Lannis’ company gym.

9:40 - 10:45 - Park at gym (yes, it’s stupidly close to our house), swipe in, change into runners, hit treadmill for 30 minutes. Wipe down machine. Change out of runners. Chat with a woman in the locker room who is there via mandate, working out on company time (yes, really—there’s a whole group of them who’ve been shuffled after years of driving tow motors and they’re not used to being on their feet to work so the company is paying them to get fit. Seriously. And each one feels the need to explain this to me the first time they encounter me, since I’m the only person any of them have met who’s there on a spousal membership—I’m unsure if they assume Mr Lannis doesn’t hear of such company gossip or if they assume our marriage is conversationless... but yay for special, I guess?).  Head home to shower (again: stupidly close).

10:50 - 11:30 - Arrive home. Pull load of jeans from washer. Add new load. Hang jeans load on line (not holding my breath that they won’t need to be dryer tumbled later). Slip on ice (maybe there’s another reason other than COLD that people don’t hang laundry in April—but it’s 4c/39F, whee!). Change fish filter, and actually empty filter of sludge (instead of just switching cartridges). Find many scales (ew). Head upstairs and shower. Partially blow dry hair. Examine skin (a breakout NOW?! I fly out for JordanCon in ten days!). Open curtains and blinds in boys’ rooms, return to main floor.

11:30 - Remember I haven’t planned anything for dinner. Pull out slowcooker. Grab loaf of crusty bread and leftover turkey bits from freezer. Take bread from bag and wrap in tea towel to thaw on counter. Toss brick of turkey bits into slowcooker. Chop carrots and onion, add. Pour in 4c of water, a couple packets of chicken boullion, and two bay leaves. Tidy kitchen. Load dishwasher.

11:45 - noon - Start lower oven’s self-cleaning cycle (it was smoking yesterday when making dinner). Make salad for lunch (iceberg lettuce, baby spinach, shredded cheese, dried cranberries, sunflower seeds, balsamic dressing, and leftover chicken fingers warmed in microwave). Pour tea. Set oven timer for 45 minutes (lunch break).

Noon - 1pm - Dick around on the internet while eating salad (including updating this list). Read this post by Mogatos in regards to her prophylactic mastectomy journey (poor girl’s had a rough go, but she’s still in the game. She’s got a fabulous blog about her trials, and one of the many reasons I find her take interesting is that she’s coming at it from an American standpoint—having to traverse the gamut of insurance companies to have her girls replaced thanks to her BRCA mutation. She’s even got a breakdown of cost that blows my government-healthcare-covered mind).

1pm - Flip laundry. Resign myself to only having 3 loads on the triple lines (considering the weather, I figure we’re good). Make more tea. Turn on radio. Putter and tidy kitchen. Open windows to help oven-cleaning fumes dissipate (it’s 5c/41F!). Water plants on top of cupboard (missed them the other day and then needed to wait for the water to have the chemicals evaporate off before using).

1:15 - 1:36 - Decide to clean out fridge. Get water ready. Tidy kitchen sink to make space to wash bins.

1:36 - Dance to Inner Ninja (heh).


1:40 - Scrub kitchen sink. Because ew.

1:40 - 3pm - Clean out fridge, then scrub sink again. Because ew.

3pm - Sit down for a snack. Go online before getting ready to get kidlets (4) from school.

3:12 - Rest time’s over. Oven timer went off (I set it to make sure I keep track of time). Time to get ready to get kids from school. Change into jeans and head out.

3:17 - 4:20 - Run into neighbour while walking to Becky’s. Chat. Meet Becky, walk to school. Wait for kids to get out, walk home. Check mail, walk home to find Mr Lannis is home.

4:20 - 5:40 - Take laundry off the line, toss in dryer to warm up. Change from jeans back into yoga pants. Wipe kitchen table. Unpack boys’ lunches. Add rice and can of corn to slowcooker and turn on high. Fold laundry. Go over a page of math with R (subtraction with regrouping). Have boys put their folded laundry away. Watch fish tank for a few minutes, looking for three cherry shrimp—a twisted version of Where’s Waldo. Go Google Cherry Shrimp, discover they’re big hiders (cool cool). Wash hands. Dish out six bowls of turkey stew to cool. Set timer for 5 minutes and cut bread for dinner.

5:40 - Timer goes off. Have kids all wash hands and sit down for dinner. Eat.

6pm - Have kids clear table and tidy toy area.

6:15 - Daycare kids are picked up. Chat with client.

6:30 - 7:45 - Go online. Check Facebook. Update this list. Go over R’s spelling words (14/15 on the first go!). Watch YouTube videos with the family. Help Mr Lannis tidy kitchen. Start grocery list. Chat with Mr Lannis.

7:45 - 8:15 - Head upstairs with clean bedding and laundry. Make bed. Put summer quilt on. Put laundry away. Wash face. Say goodnight to boys (Mr Lannis is overseeing the bedtime routine). Go back downstairs to find another basket of folded laundry. Decide it won’t bite anyone if left in the living room until tomorrow. Go online and dick around on the internet until Mr Lannis comes back downstairs.

8:15 - 9:10 - Chat with Mr Lannis while he readies his bednight snack. Watch an episode of The Following. Lock doors, turn off lights. Go upstairs.

9:10 - 9:30 - Brush teeth, change into PJs. Check to ensure alarm is set for tomorrow. Read two chapters of Maggie Stievfater’s The Dream Thieves.

9:30 - Lights out.