Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Kijiji Trolls

Yep, you got it. It's another screenshot of stupidity thanks to Kijiji.

I love playing with trolls.

Okay, not really, because anyone who's been on Internet forums for more than three minutes knows the cardinal rule: do not feed the trolls.

In layman's terms this means do not interact with them.

Because then they win. Naturally.

When trolls fish, they throw out ridiculously obvious bait, and generally one of two things happen; they mock the polite responder into carrying on a conversation, or they bait them into a flame war.

All they want is a response. Whether it be someone kindly attempting to correct their contrived and ridiculous misconceptions, or someone reaming them out and burning them to the ground for baiting in a public forum, all a troll wants is the chance to giggle at a stranger's reaction safely from the other side of their screen.

And we can't have either of these things happening, because that would mean anonymous douchebags everywhere are eroding civility out of our society. Any direct response is highly entertaining to the troll, because the Internet troll has no sense of respect for others.

See? Not good.

Hence the rule: do not feed the trolls.

So what do you do, when faced with a troll? Well, my personal favourite is what I'm about to do here. And that's take a screenshot in order to mock said troll in another forum where s/he doesn't know about it.

Oh! Lookie! I have my own blog! That's a great place to roast an idiot...

(If you don't have a blog I highly suggest posting a screenshot to Facebook, or Instagram—whatever your poison—and allowing your friends to have a go... mocking trolls—it's fun!)

So. Let's see what we have here. It's from Bob.

Click to embiggen.

Bob, here, is responding to an ad giving away old Terry Goodkind books (because, let's face it, that's all you can do with them—ooh, little burn for the Goodkind fans... heh) by asking if I have any Sex for Dummies books.

Um, no.

And Bob would know this, if he took the time to click to see the poster's other ads (the poster being me), because while I do have other books for sale (so it would have been logical to check the other titles), I hate to break it to you, Bob, that no, tragically none of those are Sex for Dummies.

If Bob had clicked through to see my other ads, he'd also know it was unlikely I had Sex for Dummies because clearly I have no need of such a book, as I already know how to have sex, since I'm selling some items my kids have outgrown.

Common things being common, I'm not posting ads on behalf of my neighbours, I'm posting ads because these unwanted items belong to me (and my children), so if I'm selling used size 11 children's rain boots it's likely I have a child and have had sex at some point in my life.

Here's a secret, but don't tell Bob: I've had sex more than once! (gasp!)

I also know different sexual positions, too. (double gasp!)

And never once did I need to check Sex for Dummies, either. Not that there's anything wrong with a little research...

And it seems to me there's only one Sex for Dummies book—if it even exists. I mean, there could be more, but seeing how the series generally covers one topic at a time, it's probably only one book not books like Bob, here, is searching for.

But like I said, I kinda didn't need the Sex for Dummies book(s) when the time came, so I don't really have a frame of reference for that.

But I know where to find the answer...  /singsong

Oh, Book Depository says there are two! Look at that! A regular edition and a miniature edition (pocket edition? Though if you're wearing pockets while having sex there's a high likelihood you're doing it wrong—though not always, heh.)

Hm. Took me all of three seconds to find that out, too, via Book Depository's search engine. Poor Bob here is still waiting for me to get back to him and it's been days.

That said, perhaps our misguided Bob is looking for Sex for Dummies (in all the wrong places, might I add) because he's never had sex before.

Poor chap.

Well, if his hobbies included, I don't know, maybe getting out of the house instead of trolling Kijiji book ad posters, maybe he'd actually have the opportunity to meet a nice person and have some sex of his own... (bizarre logic, am I right?)

Though I don't know if "trolling on the Internet" is considered an acclaimed attribute on anyone's list of desirable traits in a prospective partner. Maybe that's Bob's problem—he starts discussing his Internet trolling conquests and turns prospective sexual partners off, and he hasn't had the chance as yet to seal the deal, hence he's not too certain about the mechanics of sex and is left with searching for answers in Sex for Dummies...

It's a theory, anyway.

Let's look at that screenshot again, okay?

Oh, I see part of Bob's problem... If he's googling "how to have sex for dummies" maybe he's not getting helpful results!

Rookie mistake, you see—clogging up a search field with superfluous words. Google's fickle that way.

But wait—it would seem using Bob's terms does garner the Sex for Dummies text in the first page of results. See? First page, fourth item:

Hm... it would seem Google has accounted for Bob's poor Google-fu, which means Bob clearly didn't bother...

Poor Bob.

That lack of effort is probably why he hasn't found someone interested in having sex with him—you kind of have to stretch out of your comfort zone, and if he's not willing to even risk Googling the book title (or what he thinks is the book title), well, he's not going to reap the rewards he's looking for, is he? Tsk, tsk.

Back to that original screen shot, though. What else can we learn about Bob?

Well, as illustrated by my need to redact Bob's email, I can assume that Bob doesn't understand the basics of Kijiji—that it acts as an agent between buyers and sellers, but connects them via email... which means I now have his email address.

Though it is a Hotmail account, so there's a decent chance Bob has created a shenanigans account (and has poor taste in freebie email providers).

And I must say, it was extremely tempting to not redact his address. Wouldn't it be fun for us to all send him random porn links so he could learn all about what's inside the covers of Sex for Dummies, but via video?

Surprise, Bob! You're about to learn all about a Dirty Sanchez!

(It occurs to me my blog's Google keyword hits are about to get more interesting... heh.)

Oh... oh no.... I have more pity for Bob now, because clearly he can't even google "free porn."

Man, he seriously must live a sad, sad life... even I can google "free porn"... I'm a liberated female, unafraid of my own sexuality... no problem with that—or admitting it (I'm a classy gal after all).

Oh, shit... a thought... we're in all trouble if Internet trolls can't google "free porn" (how many times can I use that phrase? tee hee)... 

Because you know what happens when a particular demographic of the population is too inhibited and can no longer google "free porn"? (And I'm looking at you, sexually-frustrated-and-Twilight-addled ladies—you know who you are!)

It's tragic, horrible, the intellectual equivalent of a machete splitting braincells...

When the ability to google "free porn" breaks down for a certain demographic of the population, we're all subjected to literary garbage like Fifty Shades of Grey...

Horrifying, right?


Thanks, Bob. You're like the first second sign of the apocalypse for publishing...




  2. This made morning. Also I'm certain that in no time you will be the within the first 5 search results for free porn and dirty Sanchez. Keep up the good work!