Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Blackmail

[obnoxious announcer voice] It’s everyone’s fav-our-ite pastime... Weird crap Lannis’ kids say! [/obnoxious announcer voice]

Okay, so the blackmail posts might not be everyone’s favourite, but it sure as shootin’ makes me snortle. (Sure, that’s English.)

Previous installments that my will ensure my children’s full-body shudders at the untimely death of their new-found social lives can be found mostly on The Mrs blog, but also here.

Quick refresher: two boys, R and L. I’ll post dates and their approximate ages at the time of transcription, and one day they’ll find these posts printed in their entirety in their keepsake boxes, so they can enjoy them as adults.

And without further ado, let the games begin! (Muahaha...)


December 2012

R [7 y/o]: Mom, you're wonky.

Me: I think you mean "wacky."

R [thinks a moment]: No. No, I mean wonky.



January 2013

Me [looking at 5 year old's list of overdue books]: L, what are you doing that makes the librarian let you have MORE books when you've already checked out so many without returning them?!

L [thinks, then answers, deadpan]: I smile at her too much with big eyes, and I think she thinks I'm cute.

...

[Well, at least he's self-aware?]



February 2013

R [7 y/o, after listening to the Kindle’s text-to-speech function read him Harry Potter]: Mom, the robot voice doesn’t read with fluency.


 
L [5 y/o, playing Leapster's Digging for Dinosaurs game]: Mom, some spinasaurs have allergies to plants.

Me: I think you mean "dinosaurs". And I don't know. Maybe. I don't think that's something scientists can determine.

L: I said dinosaurs. And I'm not asking. I'm telling. Some spinasaurs have allergies to plants.

Me: Um...

L: What are porfavours?

Me: You mean "herbivores"? They eat plants.

L: No. Porfavours. They were in Mexico.

Me: Por favor? That means please in Spanish.

L: See? The spinasaurs are asking plants to be nice to them, because they don't WANT allergies...

[I... I'm vacillating between believing there are two separate conversations happening at once, and just admitting I'm lost...]




L [5.5 y/o]: R, have I told you about nouns?

R [7 y/o]: Yeah, you already told me about them. I don't want to hear about those things anymore.

L: BUT THEY'RE PEOPLE AND PLACES, TOO!

[::snort::]



March 2013

L [5 y/o, shouting to his brother]: DOES HE LOOK LIKE A HIPPY?!*

Me: Hey! Keep your temperature down! I mean, keep your volume down!

R [7 y/o]: Mom, are you cold again?

Me: Maybe. Yes. How could you tell?

R: No reason...

[*Sadly, I have NO explanation for the hippy comment—though it's my understanding that they're playing aliens with Lego minifigures, if that helps.]



L [almost-6-yr-old, singing while colouring a picture of the Easter Bunny]: Puking is fun... puking is fun... puking is fun... until it dries up.



April 2013

[While sitting in the living room, we hear noise from the basement—a drill, perhaps?]

R [7 y/o]: Hey! I hear noise underneath me! I think it's Daddy in the basement, because I definitely didn't fart...


4 comments:

  1. I love the blackmail posts. Keep them coming.

    ReplyDelete
  2. EricisnotagiantsquidApril 23, 2013 at 11:21 PM

    Kid comments are hilarious. Just yesterday I could hear my six year old singing in the bathroom - imagine this quote with whimsically situated quarter notes dancing about - "Wiping my butt! I'm wiping my butt... I'm-a wiping my booooty!"

    ReplyDelete
  3. You'd better have a blackmail file, sir! ;)

    ReplyDelete