Thursday, October 3, 2013

The Blackmail Archives: Blackmail the Fourth

[Note: This post was originally published on The Mrs on March 3, 2012.]

Recently Mr Lannis and I went over my blackmail file of silly things our kids say, and well, really enjoyed the insanity I’ve managed to document.

In fact, we enjoyed it so much that he suggested I post more blackmail to share with you all.

And I’m happy to oblige.

In that regard, this post is brought to you by snippets of dialogue that actually happen in my household... been keeping this list for a while, because, well, let’s face it: I’m writing baby books that will hold a record amount of blackmail material (for previous posts, see here, here, and here).

(Seriously, I’m running at 13 pages of unintentional humour that’ll one day be printed out and added to their keepsake bins. They’ll thank me. Eventually. After they’re married and have managed to repress it all and/or have children of their own and can appreciate the sentiment...)

For the ease of reading, since this list began (literally) over a year ago, and up until this point I’ve been referring to my boys by their age, I figure for the Blackmail posts I’ll use their initials, R and L, for clarity purposes.

R is our current 6 year old (y/o), and L our 4.5 year old Casanova. Hopefully you’ll get a chuckle from at least one of these... enjoy!

September 2010

[After I’ve spent a day painting the powder room a nice dramatic chocolate colour.]
Me: What’d you think, Kiddo? Look good?
R [almost 5 y/o]: Yes, Mommy, poo brown walls make sense in a bathroom.

January 2011

[Chickadees and nuthatches are in the backyard.]
Boys: Mommy, Mommy, can we feed the birds?
Me: Well, see, that’s the thing about nature, boys. If we feed the birds, we’re really just feeding the cats.
R [5 y/o]: Shakespeare’s big enough. Can’t he stop eating now?

R [5 y/o; shows me pic in book]: Mommy, this is a picture of a mean girl.
Me: How do you know she’s a mean girl?
R: Because she’s delivering cookies that will electrocute you.
Me: Yep. I suppose she would qualify as pretty mean.

R [5 y/o]: Mommy, you’re a good Mommy! [D’aww!]
L [3.5 y/o]: Nope, she’s a long Mommy. [Stretches hands wide.] Lookit how looooooong she is! [Sigh.]

February 2011

L [3.5 y/o; finally making a decision about breakfast]: Mommy, I want toast with French on it.

[L crying; 3.5 y/o]
Me: Would you like to cuddle for a second?
L: No. I want to cuddle for one hundred seconds!

R [5 y/o]: Hey Mommy, lookit my guy! [Shows me toy.]
Me: Oh! It’s a little seal. Very nice.
R: No, it’s an evil seal that flies.
Me: Of course, how could I be mistaken? [Insert eye roll here.]
R: I don’t know. It’s soooooo obvious.

March 2011

L [3.5 y/o]: When hedgehog hits the ceiling, hedgehog gets hurt.
Me [eyeing hedgehog Beanie Baby]: Yes. So maybe we shouldn’t throw the hedgehog at the ceiling?
L: Then how will he kiss the ceiling?!
Me: That’s a good question.
L: Yes. Yes, it IS a good question... [Walks off mumbling to himself.]

L [3.5 y/o; looking at a Sesame Street activity book with a picture of The Count** on the cover]: Mommy, this at-tivity book has a grampire on it.
Me: You mean a vampire. Yes, it does.
L: No, Mommy. Papa does his voice. It’s a grampire.

Me [to L, almost 4 y/o, and WON’T SHUT UP!]: You are a very cute chatterbox.
L: Mommy, you are a very cute eyebrow.

April 2011

2011’s first lesson from Mother Nature:
R [5 y/o; playing in the backyard]: Mommy! We found a bird! It was sleeping, so we put it in a cup in the playhouse so it won’t be disturbed.
L [Almost 4]: Yeah! She’s sleeping! And soft!

R [5 y/o]: Sometimes, when people have fat bellies, they pop out a baby. That’s where babies come from.
L [almost 4 y/o]: Is Mommy going to have a baby?
R: No. No, that’s also why she doesn’t like birds.
L: Yes, she really wasn’t happy to see that dead bird...

And because I have to leave off with a geeky reference...

L [almost 4 y/o]: The Easter Bunny bringed us stickers from Star Wars the Vampire Strikes Back!

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