The Blackmail Archives: A Song by Dictation

[Note: This post was originally published on The Mrs on December 2, 2011.]

Yep. It’s exactly how it sounds.

My youngest is a performer at heart. Loves to sing, loves to dance, loves attention in any form, really.

And recently, he honoured me, serenading me as he lay on his back on the floor fiddling with his action figures. As he sang, he stood, threw his head back, and began belting out his impromptu lyrics at the window.

So I did what any good blackmail-collecting parent would do — I grabbed the camera, then began transcribing, so I could share it with you all.

No, I’m not claiming it makes sense (I gave up looking for sense long ago). And I’m sure this transcription isn’t nearly as entertaining as the actual performance, and I’m missing the first verse or two, but I hope you enjoy it nonetheless! Ha!

Bakugans, Bakugans don’t exist
because that girl isn’t my wife
red and green and yellow
planes are green and yellow
in green and yellow and red apples

In one minute
it will be a patter-erns
red, blue, yellow
because this is the patter-ern I picked
sometimes it’s fast, it’s slow, it’s light, it’s dead
Bakugans, Bakugans don’t exist
she’s not my wife

Girls don’t have rocks
and the boys don’t have rocks
that girl will be mine
that will not be in one minutes
Bakugans, Bakugans don’t exist

Get that thing before it does
never fall because I do to you

[4.5 yr old: Mommy, it’s a long song.
Me: Yes. I’m noticing this.]

Don’t look at me
I say sometimes it’s laugh or low
and sometimes it matches
Bakugans, Bakugans don’t exist

[Now with more gusto!—]

Girls do all day!
In one minute
Why? Why? In one minute!
Never on fire!
I’m back,
but I still have green eyes

And the guy says
I only like red eyes
in one minute
I will have a black tail

BE-CAUSE!

Bakugans, Bakugans don’t exist!


4.5 year old [stops singing]: Mommy, do you like my song?
Me: Yes. I loved it.
4.5 year old [grins]: I knew you would.


I love my kids.