Thursday, July 18, 2013

Blackmail: The Archives

[Note: This post was originally published on The Mrs on October 15th, 2011.]

I am raising jerks.

Sorry, let me rephrase that. I am raising saucy boys.


Don’t get me wrong, they are very polite and (for the most part) they obey and listen to what they’re told — they are children, after all.

They have manners, and they generally aren’t (I hesitate to say ‘never’) ill-behaved. If they leave this house with adults who aren’t their parents, I never worry that they will run wild and disrespect their temporary guardians — they’re very good boys.

But they’re saucy. They don’t backtalk, not intentionally, anyway, but occasionally snarky things slip out.

Let’s be truthful, now — we all know they come by it honestly. They were born with the sarcasm gene and I’ve (inadvertently) done my best to see it fostered properly.

Anybody who has friended me on Facebook has borne witness to the crazy things my kids are wont to say. I like to share — the quotes make for great status updates.

I also have a file titled ‘blackmail’ on my laptop, because Momma likes to keep tabs. Ha HA!

So today I’m sharing some of the silly and saucy things they’ve said.

Recently I cracked out the camera in an effort to make up for my sorry lack of photo-documentation lately update our snapshots. This involved me bashing my head bribing boys to sit nicely by offering a trip to the park (which I sneakily used to get more shots in). It also involved a handful of verbal gems from the peanut gallery.

Boys [to me, while sniffing our potted mum]: Is this YOUR mum?
Me: Yes.
Four-and-a-half-year-old [doubtful]: Yeah, but, it doesn’t look like you at all...

Me [to almost-six-year-old, hanging upside down at playground]: Look at you, you monkey!
Almost-six-year-old: I’m not a monkey!
Me: Then what are you, then?
Almost-six-year-old: I’m a poodle!

Four-and-a-half-year-old [holding a maple leaf aloft]: I found one!
Me: Just one?
Four-and-a-half-year-old: Well, I know where the rest of them are.

And hands down, the best quote of the day? —

Almost-six-year-old [shouting at another playground kid]: I don’t HAVE to do what you say! If I do that I’ll break my BRAIN!

Note: I have no idea what prompted this outburst, but it. was. awesome.


  1. I always love these posts. It reminds me that, as weird as my kids are, they're relatively normal, and that all kids come out with some pretty bizarre stuff. My most recent favourite comes from my newly-5-year-old. We were in the car, had just pulled into our driveway, and out of the blue she says, "Mommy, it would be weird if we could lick our own brains." I honestly have no idea where this stuff comes from.

  2. Dawn, PLEASE tell me you have a blackmail file for your two--I'm sure Miss E dishes some epic awesomeness!

  3. I don't! I keep meaning to and I haven't. It makes me sad how much awesome I've likely forgotten.