Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Mr Lannis Shouldn't Be Allowed to Leave Me Alone. Ever.

When I opened the laundry room entrance to the garage in flew THE GIANT BLACK HORNET THING and I ran like a mofo to the back of the house before a part of my brain said, "MR LANNIS IS IN OTTAWA AT KARATE CAMP! YOU ARE THE PROTECTOR OF YOUR HOUSE, YOUR CHILDREN, AND YOUR FURNITURE AND JUNK!"

And I was all, "GAH! NO! I just washed the sheets, they're divine! HE CAN'T HAVE THEM!"

So I ran back in and rummaged through the coat closet, and under two sinks before I abandoned ever locating the fly swatter* and hit the laundry room for the dust wand, tore off the reusable microfiber pad, and proceeded to track down THE GIANT BLACK HORNET THING which was easy because apparently when you're a GIANT BLACK HORNET THING your buzz sounds like a motorboat of DEATH!

And there he was, bumped up on the trim of the front door, so I HIT HIM! YES! I used said dollar store duster to pummel THE GIANT BLACK HORNET THING into a jammy smear on the glass, successfully protecting my children and junk from certain doom.

Raising my dust wand in triumph, I bellowed, "YOU CAN'T HAVE THIS HOUSE! I AM A NINJA!" And the kidlets came running in from the backyard because despite their usually selective hearing apparently when your mother shouts about ninjas your radar goes berserk.

At which point they regarded the smear and were all, "That's not what a ninja does, Mom. A ninja fights crime."

Pffft. Kids.

*The fly swatter, which was discovered hanging on a nail on the way to the basement, which proves that when you really need something you'll never remembered where you put it. Or you're me.


  1. OMG this post could have been all about me in that situation (in which I have thankfully never been). I would have done just about the exact same thing, except I'm pretty sure my son would have been cheering me on and my daughter would have been shrieking (both about a big ol' wasp being in the house and that I meant to kill the poor defenseless thing). Seriously, kids... your mom is a ninja, end of story.

  2. Dumb kids. B&E is still B&E whether you're a black hornet or a (choose a colour) person. You WERE fighting crime.